Love an Illusion?




It's been more than a year now since I've blogged. I thought I would never blog again but

somehow I find myself having to release my emotions this way again. I see myself all alone

in the midst of the night surrounded by the four walls and this computer screen. I find me

all alone again dealings and battling with my emotions.

I ask myself how many times am I gonna climb so high to my peak believing that love is all

it takes to be happy and all it takes to complete me in process neglecting or diverting any

opportunities to success that comes me way cos I've just been so busy with love life.

After all these, I'm drained I realised how much I've neglected myself whilst caring for others,

I've achieved nothing. No wealth, no progress in career or education but stagnant or worst.

This much I've given up all for love.

I'm so so drained.. Should giving up now be the best option? I seem to keep falling in this

bottomless pit. And each time it gets harder and harder for me to climb out of it. It's mental

torture. Yet, I find it so hard to detach myself from you. By right I know I should be doing that

cos this love doesn't seem right anymore. I no longer no it's meaning and no longer have much

faith in it. What have I really learnt out of all this? I've lost so much and what have I gained in

return? Absolutely nothing! I've long been illusioned by this fairy tale of love believing it to be

the best emotion in the world believing that it makes my world go round. Sure it does! But for

how long? Only a good few months of a relationship before everything starts to turn for the worst!

So whats love? Love is a lie! Or at least it has lied to me for as long as I know. True love never

existed! It was all nothing but fabricated on lies! I've been so cheated by this word for so many

years. I no longer can believe it... The heartaches and pain I went through was worth a dime.

I'm fortune's fool as I've allowed myself to be one for so long.

Sigh!

Dear baby,

In these 16 months spent with you and tremendous efforts I've put in? what have I sowed?

In my life of relationships I've never gave this much effort into any relationship as I've done

so for you. It even puzzles me why I do so much for you? Cos this is so not me I've never

been this way. I have never known how it feel like to give this much and feel unappreciated.

But I am finally able to accept the fact that my efforts were quite in vain and expect nothing in

return for it. It's something that had been so hard for me to swallow and accept! Immensely

hurt as I was I knew I have to accept the fact that I can't expect anything return unless you

wanted to yourself to return the favour I guess no one can force you. In fact now, I don't even

feel like I want any more things from you cos that hope died. I just feel very disappointed in how

things have turned out.. I know now that I must stop everything I'm doing and withdraw myself

back into this hole where I've built for myself to retreat. I'll miss the times we had, the days we

spent laughin and playing in the sun, basking in the moonlight and chatting from dawn to dusk.

Our happy moments seem so little but I treasured them all.. We've been together for 1 yr and 4

months now, however out of this 16 months I probably had less than 8 months to know you

or maybe less as the rest have been robbed away by NS. I really wonder what would our outcome

be if you did not have to serve NS? Would we have been any better?

Whatever the case, reality is you are in NS and things between us is beyond salvation and beyond

redemption. As much as it's too difficult to walk out of this, I know that I cannot continue living

in the shadows of myself. Having said these, I guess it's time to close this chapter of my life and

this relationship with you.

Sadness overwhelms me as I will have to drown myself to live again.

I'd also like to thank all my friends and family for being there for me even though I've made so

many wrong decisions you guys have stuck by me. Words cannot express the gratitude I have

towards yall. I love you all and you guys are the best gifts God can ever give to me.

As well as to his friends thank you for the care and concern you all have given to me. I really

appreciate it. Boon is very lucky to have friends like yall.

Good night!

I'm back from what was the amazing weekend spent with him after 2 weeks of not seeing him...

I really missed U baby! & finally getting to be in ur arms again was the greatest feelings ever...

He didn't have his bike with him during the weekends as it is still under repair.. But that didn't

stop us from having a fantastic weekend..

On friday night he stayed over.. We rented some dvds to watch but we ended up not watchin it

on that night itself cos we came back very late!! Reason being: We had supper at jalan kayu & we

decided to walk all the way back to my hse...LOL we walk for 2 hour plus lo!! but it was fun..

Baby carried me along the way as I was jumping away from insects..we saw all sorts..millipedes,

crickets, moths & even big spidersss...gross..! then we walk past this river near anchorvale & we

sticked our heads over the rail & waved our hands out & the fishes actually jumped out of the

river like in a style of a kallang wave!! Omg we were so excited & playing like as though we were

kids again!! & thats really the joy of being in a relationship with U baby!!! U really complete me

in every single way..It's this little things we do together that makes our relationship special..:)

& we were tired from our adventure walk we stopped by the police post to change my address

as well as to take a break..then continued our walk back..when we got back we were exhausted..

So we didn't really watch the movie but played on facebook awhile then headed to sleep...

Woke up in the morning, took a journey to the west by bus-train-bus to baybee's house...

Chilled out there, In the evening we headed to jurong point where baby treated me to a post-

anniversary dinner..Ate at lai lai the food was good but the service sort of sucked they nearly

over-charged us lucky the guy asked whether I want to check then I said Yes & then I was

shocked how come so many items we didn't order & they charged us for it!! N Baby don't know

he just wanted to pay...HAHA! In the end it was settled..

We went to Gv to buy our tickets for Night at the musuem 2!! It was an awesome movie!!

Loved it!! So funny even baby loved it though he didn't watch no. 1! We wanted to rent it but

it was rented out alrdy.. :(

So before the movie started we played at the arcade for awhile played time crisis again I won to

him! haha.. I was thinking i'm gonna shoot all his sergeants down! & I did it! lol.

Aft the movie we cabbed back & finally watched the movie we rented it a chinese movie called

the Protege.. About drugs and stuff.. a really good & touching movie...Baby got a little bit

emotional over it...

Don't worry ok I'll always stand by you...put it all behind you ok..U have me now & thats all U

ever need! I'll always be here supporting u...I love you Boon! Muax!

After the movie we went straight to K.O. was s tired...it was nice finally getting to fall asleep in

his arms...

We woke up to a buzz of noise outside cos all his relatives came over...Oh man.. So i just decided

to stay in the room & sleep longer lol... While poor darling had to entertain & then watch me

sleep!! haha like finally! cos it's always me watchin U sleep first! U pig! at about 6 we left his

place it was home sweet home for me & goodbye to baby til I see again on friday for yet another

awesome weekend to come!! It's gonna be ur 21st Bday Dinner/Gathering!! I can't wait cos I've

planned so long for this!! I really hope you will love it!! XOXO-

I hope my bf will see those logos below...& only know how much he means to me...He is my everything... Losing him will make me feel as if this world had been depopulated... Knowing him has been the best gift from God...I thank God for that...

However, these past few weeks & months has not been easy at all...For both you & I..U could only imagine how alone & empty life is without you...These 2 weeks were the hardest for me,
not only could I not see U for 2 weeks but hardly heard ur voice...& the silence for 4 days not
knowing how u were just worried me & saddened me..I know outfield must have been tough
& every boy goes through it more or less except for the fortunate ones of course...

Through it all we've gone through this toughest phase together nothing deterred us away from
the focal point of just Love.. Love alone didn't just help take us through this.. It was courage,
strength & determination on both our parts that helped us. & in the next phase after ur BMT
will be a continuous test on our relationship the test of endurance..
I am relieved at the fact it's gonna be a little more relaxed after that.. hopefully U will also get to
book out on friday nights...That would be great..

But whatever the shit is I'll stand by U baby! For sake of us & our future happiness that awaits us I'm hanging on...I want one else but U! & I'm sure you alrdy know that...

Hearing your voice today finally after so long just stirred emotions within me..I was confused with what I was feeling for a second..I felt overwhelmed like I wanted to cry..yet felt frustrated..
It was just so hard for me to express it that when I do it usually turns out wrongly...I tend to agitate u further or say spiteful things to U to hurt U...really wonder why I do that..Maybe the one i'm frustrated at is myself! I'm so sorry Baby.. but Whatever it is never doubt my sincerity
& devotion towards U! that has never changed...

Lastly sweetie, do look forward to your Birthday okie? cos i'm looking forward to it so much!!

I hope U will have a great time...& I'm having a great time as long as I can be with u...thats all I want..

Hugs & Kisses to u my love...xoxo-

Your Princess-armygirlfriend. LOL.

7th Mar

We had a farewell bbq for bebe @ Leo's condo...food turned out well & more than sufficient for everyone... Except that I was not well...I didn't eat much i didn't stay on to bbq with him when
I shld've stuck by my bf...I'm so sorry dear I'll never let this happen again...& u won't let me too..
U guys know what I'm talkin about I don't have to spell it out but that night I really made everyone unhappy my friends, his friends & especially him...i let him lose face...Even up til now I still feel so fucking bad...but u know wad? I feel so consoled to know he's so understanding & forgiving & despite it all he still took care of me... Bebe I just wanna let u know I appreciate u & treasure U so much...I'll never take ur kindness for granted agn...I hurt U too many times...I don't ever wanna see u hurt because of me agn..! thank u for loving me!! Muax! I'm really so very fortunate to haf a bf like u! I die also won't let anyone have him! His mine & mine alone...
wahahahaha...

Anyway, after all bebe had fun with his friends & I did have fun with mine too.... :)


8th Mar

Ok that was about the night.. Woke up in the morning feeling like there's a bomb in my head jus waiting to explode...picked up the phone called baby as soon as i got up... & I knew i was gonna get it...& yes I did...i deserved it..but yet he still took a bus down to see me...he's s sweet la...hehe.. we chit chatted a bit at the coffee shop...aft that we walked back to my place whr his friends came to meet us to chit chat under my block..very swt of them...at the end bebe got a free ride home too..haha..


9th Mar
Bebe went to collect his bike from alexandra village...then he came down to see me...chilled at my place then brought me to eat jian dao jian @ jalan besar.... then brought me to spend some quiet moments at kent ridge park...not very nice place tho lots of insects & view not as nice as mount faber...but still his company was awesome enough...:)

10th Mar
It's was my dearest mummy's 44th Bday! Yaayy..cheers to mum another year older but always young still...love u mum...hope u had a great bday...Sis bought the cake...Bebe & I were at his place & arrived later....we jus bought drinks & tons of sushi!! haha..loved the salmon one! yumm...following us was our da ge's arrival...he came with tessa...well he brought himself only as usual empty handed..hahaha...! so were we all...I owe my mom big big pressie ok?
Had fun photos will upload later...;)

11th Mar
Bebe stayed over the previous night & sent me to see the skin doctor @ national skin center early in the morning appt was at like 820 am...we barely slept...! After that we headed to clementi to da Bao food & print out some photos of us.. den headed to his place to sleep!
woke up quite late at bout 6pm haha...then we had dinner & bebe sent me home early! :)

12th Mar
Last day I spent with him before bebe enlisted into camp!! Baby woke up early came & pick me up then went to Astons @ Cathay for lunch!!! He really ate alot lor!! haha I ate 1/4 he ate 3/4 tis time more than his usual 1 n a 1/2 portion wen his out with me... hahaha...poor dear...but he enjoyed it i haf pictures to prove it!!! haha.. that day the weather was particularly hot & we really didn't haf the mood on walking anywhr or buyin anythin...So we went back to his place...
I helped him to pack his army stuff & all...felt so sad...i knew then im gonna miss him like hell...& wish the 2 weeks will fly by fast..! after that his friends called all of them wanna meet him for the
last time to shave his head lol! so first we met for dinner @ macs amk gardens thr...aft everyone
arrived we went to wei cheng's place at novena thr...whr they had fun shaving & laughin their guts out at bebe's hair...poor boy was a clown tat night...I took lots of pics... & even a video...that all will be uploaded soon... at about 11+ the fun was over it was back to the painful reality of him
leaving me for 2 weeks...he sent me back & that night i surprisingly didn't cry maybe cos i've been cryin too many nights alrdy...haha but bebe wanted to cry... that night he went back spoke on the phone with me all the way til 4 in the morning..

Friday the 13th!
& also my 1st day being without him...it was bad for me i tell u...my whole mind is him him him...i cld barely focus on anyone or anythin else...thank god I had work that day & my lovely besties came to look for me @ my workplace! I appreciate it lots guys...Thank U for being there for me!
Thanks for the moral support! Love U guys... :) That day I did drink but in moderation tis time! haha i stayed back aft work til about 5+ chattin with em... the 2 YZ's were chattin alot on army so i got so excited i jus wanted t listen tho i know nothing much abt wad they're talkin..lol...anythin that had to do with my bebe's welfare i jus wanted to hear...haha..

14th Mar - 18th Mar
I've been coping fine...Knowing that bebe is ok! He passed his ippt at 1 taking...his whole platoon 38 fail 6 pass & his 1 of the 6...So proud of him...He did it... So dun haf to waste time to retake...Love u bebe...Ur calls have kept me alive....just listening to your voice entices me...
U are all I need really...I've never believed I'll fall in love this much again after my failed r/s years ago...I believe I've finally found the one...I'm so happy so very happy...Never knew I would be this happy with u...Never regretted just anticipating for more...I know the next few days & months down the road will be full of obstacles for us but I haf so much faith in us...we'll
go thru this together no matter what it takes... I promise u I'll stick faithful by you & love u unendingly... I treasure the moments we spent together... each time i miss u I'll look back at how we spent our fruitful time together before u enlisted & tats enough to just keep me goin each day... & now it's down to 9 days... I can't wait...keep looking forward baby! jia you! when u come
out we're going to eat huo guo right?!! I can't wait I know u can't too...& remember our promise U still owe me a present!! haha! I want my 3/4 pants! Muax! Love u...

For once people I'm abandoning my rule of no blogging personal stuff here!!!**

I can't help it I love my BF too much!!! i need to say out to shuang abit..!

Ok hi everyone...........
Firstly I'd like to say I feel like the world's most happiest girl everyday in the past 2 weeks...
I'm happily attached to Mr Lim Peng Boon.....
I think he makes me float on cloud 9 every single day.....
I can't remember when a r/s has made me feel tis good about myself....
& ya enough said...here's an update on this past 2 weeks...

16 Feb:
The day we got tgt & the day he bought me a dress too...;)

17th Feb:
Spent the day with him...he brought me to NYDC for dinner then to labrador park to chill out..
I think it was my first time there...Nonetheless had loads of fun...;)

18th Feb:
Spent the morning @ his place... then met up with wei cheng & stephy for bak kut teh at balestier...Then we went back to wei cheng's for sushi somemore... super full that day!!
After that baby took me to punggol end where we had a heart to heart talk...

19th Feb:
Met Baby up at woodlands.. took the bus for once as im always on his bike im suddenly not used to the bus...but i haf to get use to it...
So babe went to collect his road tax from his friend in woodlands area too after which we went
back to his place to chill & aft that had curry peng at jalan besar..! awesome food love their
jian dao jian curry!
Aft that it was home sweet home for me...;)

20th Feb:
He picked me up from home... we went to golden mile to get his army stuff & ate there too...Baby
like their prawn noodles thr... it was yummy but too bad im allergic to prawns i couldn't eat them..;( after that he brought me to little india to do threading & baby rode his bike against the
traffic his always doing that....hahaha...so pai kia!! Aft threading it was taka for dinner we ate at
coffee club & I must say their Baked Spagetti Bolognaise was Awesome!! REALLY! loved it!!
& I recommended baby to try the Garlic Prawn Pasta & he loved it so much too...then again I
didn't cos it was Prawns!! I think Baby had his Prawn Day OUT!! muahaha... love him...

21st Feb:
We met up with Mer & Leo at this new club it clarke quay's Central...it's called Helipad was a really cool place they played trance & house...on a sat night & their cover was only 12 bucks very
cheap indeed & somemore it includes 1 standard drink....& really lives up to it's name a Helipad!
the view was beautiful....I had some photos for this day shld be up soon! :)

[insert pics]


22nd Feb - 28th Feb
Did nothing much...But as usual I'm always with baby spending as much time with him as possible before he goes into NS...Im gonna miss him like hell... Also I went for interview at
Leo's workplace backyard bistro got a job there...working part time with them...for the time
being...have work better than no work at all...right... so baby's really happy for me too...
On a friday night Baby called all his frens out for a gathering before he enters into NS....all
met up at simpang bedok for dinner...I had a little quarrel with him before that but he apologised
later on so everythin was fine...aft simpang we went to east coast park whr they started a camp fire with toilet paper....sticks & wadever they cld find...I was still quite sick & recovering from my bad flu & cough so i stayed away from the fire....after that the guys went to climb trees
as usual our dear Lao Gao(baby) lives up to his name climbs the tree! & falls off it sustaining back scratches to his forearm....for not listening to his dear's advice that was he gets!!!hahaha..
anyway he stayed over that night & spent sat morning helping my bro & mom do drilling...
hahaha poor baby...kenna torture....but hey they love u ok...!
Then after that we went to watch he's just not that into you... great movie.... really touched me...
It made me remember someone not worth thinkin about now.... & got all emo again baby took my shit he accompanied me to drink & i thought I was going to get all emo & irritate him but
surprisingly I didn't & we had a great time chatting...Im really so lucky to have him in my life...
Thank U for putting up with me sweetheart..!
Never once ever regretted being with u.....& I doubt I ever will!

2nd March:
I went to work at 6 pm i't was my first day at work! & guess wad?! it was fucking boring I practically worked til 1am with nth to do at all....! not much customers at all..I think i was earning stupid money but it still feels good la....& guess wads better staff drinks as in a pint
of san miguel is at $4.90 for us if we wanna drink aft work....! haha... cool right? so happy...
ok anyway baby sent me to work & picked me up after work....I have such a great awesome
BF seriously damn lucky!!! love him to bits n pieces...muaxxx!!

3rd March:
Baby sent me to work in the morning worked from 12 to 6pm... was raining so bad he was drenched in the rain while riding to my place...Poor baby...sorry dear...U do so much for me I appreciate u so much.... so he accompanied me at work for about an hour playing pool with me
at my workplace as there was absolutely nobody...then he left after that to his aunt's specs shop
to make a new pair of specs for camp...then came back for me at 6 plus... we had dinner in town
at muddy murphy's orchard towers...their fries was like 7 bucks!!! for a small portion!! Rip off!!
but dear loved it!! after he brought me to kent ridge park it was quite nice thr...except not as
nice as labrador but still who cares it was the company that matters right... this few days spent
alone with him was great...! after that he sent me back...:)

4th March:
Woke up early was supposed to go see my skin doctor but in the end i didn't... I changed my appt
to the 11th... So then I accompanied him to go do his bike at bukit merah.. cos his bike is already
due for major servicing... so many bad news his bike needs an overhaul which is gonna cost baby
a bomb! poor thing!! yet he can't sell it off cos he makes a bigger loss...& i don't want him to downgrade...:( & he doesn't want too... so our poor baby(cbr 400) is gonna be left in the bike shop for 4 days & for the 4 days we'll be on public transport...
I already miss baby(bike) so much...! get well soon ok then we'll have fun looting out tgt...!
hahaha ok i've put in too much affections into the bike...til dear said aiyo jus a bike only no need to be so sad until want to cry.... then after that his words backfired at him...he himself miss his
bike alot alrdy...hahaha...
after that we took a bus to jurong east interchange...we went to IMM awhile to get baby's boxers had mos burger thr...then went back to his place to catch some sleep...at about 8 plus baby sent
me home by train & bus...was a long way home...feel bad he hafta take the train & bus all the way back himself so "xin ku" him... But then again I spent a fabulous day out with him... Slept early as I recharged my energy for the next day out to Sentosa with bebe!

5th March:
Woke up early bout 9 in the morning.. bebe called me first... got rdy... I took a train down to harbourfront to meet him...weather was looking fine... so we took the sentosa express down to
beach stn... we had breakfast or rather brunch at the hotdog parlour at underwater world thr...
There like lots of peacocks roaming freely around with their little chicks...I swear the peacocks were fucking irritating...! They wanted steal our food!! Bebe kept shooing them away hahahaha...
we hurry ate then we went over to Cafe Del Mar to tann...We didn't use tanning oil or anything hence suffering from sunburnts now...haha...ouch! anyway the sun was great jus occasionally hiding among the clouds... so we got the deck beds... we had a mojito... & tons of carlsberg! trully
refreshing i tell U...The weather's so hot U don't even get high by the beer...! we smoked chatted
tanned & even swam in the pool with no one to disturb us at all...wasn't crowded or anything... sat by the pool bar & continued having beer!! gosh!! im black now!! hahaa...
We tanned after that til bout 445 then we washed up & left....
*OH YA*
We decided to play the Luge u know the go-karting thing... We got student price... like 6 bucks a ticket...hahahha... we took the sky ride up over to the other side...exilarating view... we were overlooking the rasa shangrila resort! that view was panoramic... Not till my slipper dropped when we reach...from panoramic to paranoia....hahahaha! i was so paranoid i literally scream la!
the guy was like don't worry don't worry get off first....got back my slipper & headed to the Luge!
ahhhh....I challenged him he tried to overtake me so i cornered him til we both swerved all the way into the bushes... hahahahha... we got up i exchanged cars with him cos mine was full of mud
on it...hahaha... i dragged his car all the way beside mine & continued our journey! & guess wad?!!
I WON PPL!!! I won!! hahahahha
Do I get a free lunch?
hahaha nvm he give me alot of things free liao...
nv ji jiao!
hahhaha one more funny thing we laughed so hard all the way til we forgot to remove the helmets on the way out... the lady was like y u guys dun want to take out ur helmets ah?!! & she was sooo laughin at us...
funny sia...
That was about our beautiful day out...
After which it was out of sentosa...
A long bus journey back to bebe's place...Had dinner there....his mom cooked really good food...
I think I had like 2 bowls of rice...!!
Haha...
Bout 9 plus bebe sent me home again by bus & train cos he's bike still not ready...seriously miss
baby(bike) alot already! I can't wait to sit on her agn...!
He was actually jus supposed to sent me to woodlands then put me on the bus then he go back..i was thinkin funny y he say bye bye to me then he nv go off instead he following the last comers behind onto the bus! hahaha he pop in front of my face suddenly i really got a shock! i was like wtf?! then he was like i take the wrong bus la!! He ahhh... forever doing crazy tings!
Was home at about 11 plus but it was raining so heavily when I reached...! poor dear had to run back to the bus stop in the rain...However I feel God has been really great to us tdy... it has been
raining almost everyday the past few days...but just as we decided to go to sentosa to tann I prayed for good weather & it was really great weather! Thank U God for letting me enjoy wadever that's left of this 1 week with him!! I LOVE HIM!! muaxx..!

End of story..
-Stay tuned-
Loves...;)

Photos...