It's been more than a year now since I've blogged. I thought I would never blog again but
somehow I find myself having to release my emotions this way again. I see myself all alone
in the midst of the night surrounded by the four walls and this computer screen. I find me
all alone again dealings and battling with my emotions.
I ask myself how many times am I gonna climb so high to my peak believing that love is all
it takes to be happy and all it takes to complete me in process neglecting or diverting any
opportunities to success that comes me way cos I've just been so busy with love life.
After all these, I'm drained I realised how much I've neglected myself whilst caring for others,
I've achieved nothing. No wealth, no progress in career or education but stagnant or worst.
This much I've given up all for love.
I'm so so drained.. Should giving up now be the best option? I seem to keep falling in this
bottomless pit. And each time it gets harder and harder for me to climb out of it. It's mental
torture. Yet, I find it so hard to detach myself from you. By right I know I should be doing that
cos this love doesn't seem right anymore. I no longer no it's meaning and no longer have much
faith in it. What have I really learnt out of all this? I've lost so much and what have I gained in
return? Absolutely nothing! I've long been illusioned by this fairy tale of love believing it to be
the best emotion in the world believing that it makes my world go round. Sure it does! But for
how long? Only a good few months of a relationship before everything starts to turn for the worst!
So whats love? Love is a lie! Or at least it has lied to me for as long as I know. True love never
existed! It was all nothing but fabricated on lies! I've been so cheated by this word for so many
years. I no longer can believe it... The heartaches and pain I went through was worth a dime.
I'm fortune's fool as I've allowed myself to be one for so long.
Sigh!
Dear baby,
In these 16 months spent with you and tremendous efforts I've put in? what have I sowed?
In my life of relationships I've never gave this much effort into any relationship as I've done
so for you. It even puzzles me why I do so much for you? Cos this is so not me I've never
been this way. I have never known how it feel like to give this much and feel unappreciated.
But I am finally able to accept the fact that my efforts were quite in vain and expect nothing in
return for it. It's something that had been so hard for me to swallow and accept! Immensely
hurt as I was I knew I have to accept the fact that I can't expect anything return unless you
wanted to yourself to return the favour I guess no one can force you. In fact now, I don't even
feel like I want any more things from you cos that hope died. I just feel very disappointed in how
things have turned out.. I know now that I must stop everything I'm doing and withdraw myself
back into this hole where I've built for myself to retreat. I'll miss the times we had, the days we
spent laughin and playing in the sun, basking in the moonlight and chatting from dawn to dusk.
Our happy moments seem so little but I treasured them all.. We've been together for 1 yr and 4
months now, however out of this 16 months I probably had less than 8 months to know you
or maybe less as the rest have been robbed away by NS. I really wonder what would our outcome
be if you did not have to serve NS? Would we have been any better?
Whatever the case, reality is you are in NS and things between us is beyond salvation and beyond
redemption. As much as it's too difficult to walk out of this, I know that I cannot continue living
in the shadows of myself. Having said these, I guess it's time to close this chapter of my life and
this relationship with you.
Sadness overwhelms me as I will have to drown myself to live again.
I'd also like to thank all my friends and family for being there for me even though I've made so
many wrong decisions you guys have stuck by me. Words cannot express the gratitude I have
towards yall. I love you all and you guys are the best gifts God can ever give to me.
As well as to his friends thank you for the care and concern you all have given to me. I really
appreciate it. Boon is very lucky to have friends like yall.
Good night!
Blogged @ 1:31 AM
♥ DISCLAMIER
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I'd like to be known as Calista
She's a capricious person..
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